My First Roast with the New Roaster-June 30, 2002

 

I've come a very, very long way in the years that I've been specializing in Pig Roasts.     When I look back at my first roast in my new roaster, I absolutely cringe. I mean, I want to delete the pictures, burn the files, and simply forget it ever happened.    I hang my head in shame on this one.    But it was a step along the way, so I thought I'd share it with you, embarrassing at it was. 

 

First a little background.    This was actually my third roast.   My first two were on hand fabricated rental Rotisserie roasters, which turned out fine.    The rental roasters were pretty ugly, and shoddily made.  And had been abused to the max.    They had rust holes in them, which when fired up, would actually melt the tires.    The running lights on the roaster was non-existent, creating a hazardous and "tickettable" offense, if I were to be pulled over.      But more importantly, every time I rented a roaster, I got a different one.     A rule of thumb in catering is to "know your equipment".     Roasters are no different...you have to use them a bunch of times to get familiar with how to control them, and what it's individual quirks are.     My goal at the time was to build my own roaster.  I even took welding classes.  However, I never quite got it together to build my own.  And with "Eddie's Portable Pig Out" as my name, I really needed one.     So I found a company who made nice roasters and I bought one.

 

Not two weeks after I bought it, I got an emergency phone call from a Scout Leader in the Port Jervis Area.   He had promised 200 Kids that they'd have a Pig Roast at the Scout Camp.   But due to a scheduling meltdown, the Scoutmaster found out at the last minute that their onsite cook would be unavailable.   The Scoutmaster practically begged me to do the roast, despite my Hemming and hawing that I wasn't real comfortable with the roaster yet.   I had 4 days to get it together. 

 

I hadn't even fired up the roaster yet.    Not even once.     I had some written guidance on the use of the roaster, but it was horribly inadequate.  All I had to work with was an approximation of how much charcoal I'd need.   (80 lbs).

 

So I pour 80 lbs in.   Light it.  I got the charcoal hot, and I closed the lid.  Target was 350 degrees for 6 hours.     And that's when the problems began.  

 

I have since learned how the roaster works:   Open Vent Holes=More Air=More Combustion=More Heat.     It's really a very simple relationship...that is, if I had a f**king brain in my head.      But I didn't that day. 

 

At first, I couldn't even get it lit.    And then I couldn't keep it lit.     (vents closed).    And then I couldn't seem to get it to cooking temperatures of 350 degrees  (vents closed).    And then I thought I didn't have enough charcoal, so I Bought another 100lbs in an emergency, at the local Kmart.      2 hours into the roast, I pulled it all apart, and added more charcoal.      Then, it started to get too hot.   Somehow, I thought I was holding too much heat into the roaster, by having the vent holes closed.  So I opened them to the max.  (More air in, more heat).     Then, I kept opening the roaster to see what was wrong, to see if the charcoal needed stirring!   (More air, more heat).      What didn't help is that there's a cause-effect delay with charcoal, of perhaps 20 minutes.    Nothing's instantaneous with a large roaster.    Before I knew it, the roaster was at 600 degrees, and out of control.        Maybe 4 hours into the roast, with a whole lot of trial and error, I started to understand the Equation listed above.    

 

The End Result:  Even with all of our jerking around, the pig actually cooked thru early enough to serve at the time we promised..  But the Blackened hulk looked like complete and utter shit.   To me, it looked like a big Elephant Turd.     I decorated it with Kale as the "Bed of Greens", but 1.) Didn't have enough of it and 2.) Didn't know how to work with Kale, to make it pretty.     All things considered, I wanted to climb into my truck, leave the whole damned pile of equipment, turn my back on the catering world, and run home never to be heard from again.

 

Fortunately, the 270 boy scouts who actually showed up were not picky, and not necessarily aware of what a pig should look like.   Fortunately, the skin protects the meat as well, so it was actually cooked well.  And once it was mixed with BBQ sauce, it even tasted good.     They ate it all.  (Oh, I didn't mention that they grossly underestimated headcount....there were maybe 100 people more than I had food for).    Not one ounce of pork was wasted.

 

Cleanup of the roaster was fun.   It now had 180lbs of charcoal in it, that by the end, had been open long enough to build to max heat.     There was enough charcoal in there to cook 10 pigs.    It all had to be extinguished.   What a hot, disgusting, steamy, miserable mess to deal with. 

 

Remember I told you that the Scoutmaster was in last minute emergency planning?   270 kids instead of 200?   Well, as I found out, meltdowns such as this was Modus Operandi for this particular Scoutmaster, who apparently always had a lot on his plate.     It was no surprise that I had trouble getting payment, since he seemed to be a regular at "ball dropping".     I actually had to go over his head to get payments.         But fortunately, it all got resolved, I got my check 2 months later, and we put it past us   Suffice it to say, I was never called back again.  No surprise there.     

 

But I learned allot at that roast.   Also, that I desperately needed a cargo trailer, if I wanted to have the right gear onhand.     I had to make 3 trips to this place, to make it happen. 

 

Here's the pics.    I can't even look at them.   The though of this roast makes me ill. 

I should've just wheeled this over to the Dumpster

An Elephant Turd on a bed of greens, with an apple stuck in it.

270 Kids who thankfully didn't know the difference.

 

 

Please Call (973) 627-2722 to Discuss Your Event.  Usually 6pm-10pm, Weeknights.  Please leave a Message otherwise.   Also be sure to mention the potential date(s), estimated headcount, location, and the nature of the event.     Thanks!

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